Originally titled, The Loner, when I painted this, I was telling myself two contradictory stories. The first one is the story of my ancestral lineage. In other words, the stories that my mother and many generations of women have felt during the course of their lives. It’s the story of grief and suffering—the story of “you are on your own—If you leave your old ways behind, you are on your own.” The other story that has always been there is one of connection, reverence, devotion, and love. The painting contains both and can be related to as both because now, it serves me as a method to heal from the perception of separation.
To unplug from it, I can go into the light of the painting that surrounds the horse--that surrounds her vision. She is not alone--she knows that by connecting to herself, she has the timeline of connection between all living things, all creatures.Inside of her. She knows even a stark and barren landscape that has just been burnt to the ground--she is not alone. She can reach out her hand to herself and choose to shine this connection. She is kind, both to herself and to others, by showing this way of healed perceptions. By actively disconnecting to the story of “alone”--as she puts down this weapon against herself (the weapon is in the story of disconnection that she whispers into her consciousness)--she is not alone.
I release the story of loneliness. I remember the connection of riding a horse. It’s easy to remember the connection, especially in the early morning when the weather is damp with cold and both the horse and the rider can see their breath coming up--the steam rising off the body as the hoof beats increase their pace Rising up and down with the rise and fall of the hooves and connecting through the core--my shakti connected to the animal. There’s a calm, the connection-the calm of connection.
I release the story of there’s not enough for me. I release the story that the external world doesn’t provide for me. I release the story that because I’m different, I will not be provided for. I reconnect with the story of I am loved and I am connected to an internal wellspring of love and security. In the past, I was not consciously aware of what I was doing in the moment or the stories I had been telling myself.
As a creature habitually relying on ego to define myself, it was hard to admit that I was somewhat clueless. As I continued the daily processes of the challenge, what I noticed about my creative work flow is that integrating the transparency of process became really important to me. When I show process, I am admitting and releasing the shame around not knowing in the moment of process, in the moment by moment. I am surrendering.
I’m switching gears into more of a whole person with mind and body and energy and emotion all influencing actions in the world rather than just living from a mental body or living from reaction.
When I look back at my trail, I understand and when I look forward, I trust in the wisdom of the Divine and the Divine within me, which is partly my intuition. I notice the path. And the path unfolding is one of moment by moment choice and pulling in little bits of information.
I’ve been writing down when I notice this, it’s just like french braiding hair.
And I’ve been given a lot of opportunity to experience this.
Following my heart and trusting in my innate kindness involves the same thread of courage as trusting and connecting with a horse. I believe following my intuition and when my intuition lives in the kindness of my heart, when I connect to my heart on a daily basis through heart alchemy meditations or heart coherence meditations--the horse is part of that. When I view The Loner on my bedroom wall, I remember that following my intuition, in the past, has felt lonely. In my early 20’s, when I was first navigating the waters of intuition following, the story I told myself was that I was all alone. I had been taught that I couldn’t trust that feeling. However, I knew that I could connect to it through horse imagery. It comes from my open heart when in animal care-taking and my reverence toward the horse as an animal that has been so closely tied to human existence and expansion--human grounding--therapy--all of these aspects of the horse enhance the human heart. Those two bodies of work are very related and belong together--they are braided together.
My daily intention is to continue my exploration of releasing the old story through the painting, “The Loner,” possibly changing the title to “The Connected,” and visually connecting my heart space to the heart space of the horse and know that she is connecting to my future self in a state of gratitude. So, it’s a heart coherence meditation in the past that is connecting to the past heart’s intuition and bringing it into my present heart and into my future heart. My loving thought is “I am connected.” My loving feeling is gratitude. My sankulpa is “I am light.”
I am the light effervescence of bouyancy, resilience, and of gratitude.