I had the privilege of receiving an echocardiogram during the first weeks of June. To top it all off, it was on the tail end of a two week period where I wore a heart monitor. In July, I will complete the exploration of my own anatomical heart with a stress test at a UCLA cardiology office. Then, I will have a medically informed story about my heart.
As the technician captured image and audio of my beating heart, I gazed at the screen while she traced the chambers with what looked like a Photoshop lasso tool. It immediately took me back in time to when I first started giving myself permission to make abstract work; to lean into the fabulous sensations I felt when using saturated colors and filling intuitively made patterns with those exciting hues. The technician sometimes paused and froze the screen on a chamber in constriction or release—then the screen would light up in electric pulsing sparkles of red and blue fireworks. That’s when I began to remember and visualize all these little heart studies I made around 2009 or 2010.
I made them as an exploration into the unknown joy that awaits unconditional love. I am curious what will be found by the cardiologist and how it will corroborate the healthy glow I feel exists in me. Or will it surprise me by exposing a cardiac arrhythmia—that nagging fear that may have manifested in dizziness last month and given a clue to some slight malfunction? Either way, I now find an opportunity to infuse awe, wonder, magic, and gratitude into my soma. As I go through these medical procedures and tests, I am increasing the joy sparkling components of my life.
I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to access this type of health care. And I’m working on rooting out any bubbling up of unworthiness that might try to accompany that privilege. And by root it out, I mean turn toward it and embrace it—be with it, and let it go—the way of unconditional love. Each time my heart beats, it hugs itself close. There are huge sparks and fireworks. It’s dynamic and powerful, like the joy that exists when I create from gently and patiently letting go of that which doesn’t serve me.
edymade Heart Space Journal
Cheers to accessing digital downloads for journals, greeting cards, and more!
The edymade Heart Series gallery is now posted on my website. There is also a special gallery of non-watermarked images for Magic Sparkle Patreon members to access. These high resolution images will be perfect to download and print journal covers, greeting cards, and more. They will also be available for purchase as ala carte digital downloads on Etsy—edymade Patreon members receive Etsy discounts. Sign up for my monthly newsletter to get updates about these exciting offers!