Baby Steps, Allowing Magic, and Believing in Miracles
Last April, a long time friend and former colleague reached out to discuss the possibility of commissioning me to do a piece related to a powerful ongoing connection she has to the CORE Kidney Group at UCLA. Of course, I said YES, and this blog entry is an effort to describe the suite deluxe of sweet magic that has enfolded me ever since. Read on to step into the process and preview the behind-the-scenes that is actually the center stage.
As I'm working on this CORE Kidney Commission, I notice that it requires me to stay longer in the liminal stages between digital planning and implementing the hand-painted stages In fact, I linger for longer than usual, and it has led to some really great developments. Crucial!
For example, I have not begun inscribing the ribbon scroll yet, even though my productive, on-time, diligent, striving, artist self told me to last weekend. But, I'm not listening to her right now. She doesn't allow the magic to happen. The Edy who is in cahoots with Edymade allows the magic. And if I had listened to the person who takes the reins and sticks to deadlines, I would have inscribed a less relevant, even non-sensical Latin on the ribbon!
Digital Rendering from late July with inaccurate ribbon scroll inscription!
Instead, I've been showing up to slow down in this process. And that allowed for me to be paired with a Latin teacher during a work meeting. She gave me many options for expressing the sentiments of this piece, which is "I Believe in Miracles." Siri had told me initially that the words were, "Credo Miraculous." Well, Siri missed the mark.
My very astute Latin teacher friend from Brentwood School said, "So I thought about it, and as I warned, there are usually options when it comes to translation. So all of these essentially mean the same thing, with just small dialect differences. You can pay attention to the small differences, or you can choose whichever you think sounds or looks the best. They'd all work! This is also standard word order, but the meaning is unchanged no matter how you change their order, so feel free to adjust for what looks or sounds good.
1. Miracula Credo - this one can also kind of mean like, "I trust miracles."
2. Miracula Esse Credo - this one means more clearly "I believe that miracles exist" or "I believe that there are miracles"
3. Credo in Miracula - this one is probably more typical for Church Latin, and is very literally "I believe in miracles" in the sense that we use it today."
I'm going with option 3. I believe in slowing down, taking baby steps, allowing magic, and then sitting back to let it all sink in (as the miracle that this life truly is!) I think it's miraculous the way I get to paint this and it unveils itself to me in the most perfect way possible. I have no idea whether the ribbon is going to be green or gold. The painting will tell me when it's ready to be painted. For now, I just get to have fun seeing the possibilities.
Stages of development as of 08/28/22—CORE Kidney Commision
edymade A Backyard Mural 2022: Trust the Process
“Once everything became outlined, I began painting...with layer upon layer of vibrating colors...this was the highlight of my experience. I love mixing color in a way that the eye does the mixing...this is the technique that I employ...transparent layers.”
This is my new YouTube video, which came about while making a mural that reflects both the mural patron’s and my own love of folk art, color, cacti, crow, squirrel, and whimsy. As I worked with the images and made videos documenting the process, the whole experience led us to appreciate our surroundings and all the magic they have to offer.
When you receive the edymade monthly newsletter, you receive edymade insights and reflections that are published with each full moon. It’s a monthly encapsulation of the creative process from my perspective. Here is a catalog of all the digital downloads newsletter subscribers have been receiving this year. Patreon members receive non-watermarked images as well as special pricing on artist’s prints.
More than Maui Mandalas
Maui Mandala
Turtles, dolphins, and tropical fish plus rainbow reminders from the 7 rays…
Happy Supermoon in July! This month’s full moon has been waxing with enrichment from prior spirals of time, which means the turtle imagery that is so readily coming forth is not new, but feels more powerful than ever before! I often use the hashtag #timeisnotlinear in my posts, referring to time’s cyclical nature. This month’s digital download for newsletter subscribers and Patreon supporters, “Maui Mandala,” is composed of elements from 3 watercolors that I did in July of 2018 plus new imagery. The new mandalas are added to the Mandalas gallery.
Rainbow Reminders Everywhere!
I was inspired by summer travels where I’ve been swimming with sea turtles, dolphins, and finding rainbow reminders everywhere! To gain access to non-watermarked images, visit my Patreon page and choose a tier of support that feels right for you. Passwords to access the non-watermarked images are emailed to Patreon supporters.
Click here to download Maui Mandala images to your devices. To gain access to bonus versions of wallpapers and non-watermarked images, sign up for my monthly newsletter at http://edymade.com/subscribe and visit my Patreon page to choose a tier of support that feels right for you.
For those of you who are curious about Patreon, I’ve put together this description to give you a little introduction to the platform and to explain what I do there.
I’m switching to Patreon as my main platform for social media. My intention is to offer it as a hub for free content AND as a place to offer supporters a chance to donate to my dreams, which are connected to a collective dream, bringing our creative visions into reality. If you have a vivid and colorful vision, we can work together to harness the magic. Patrons can support this dream and weave a magic filled world with me more easily on Patreon. Give it a try!
Preview of Patreon Landing Page
Choose a tier of support (even a completely FREE one is supportive) and visit me often here. If you like what you see, you can always pledge at a tier level of your comfort. There are huge perks for being a Patron! If you are a monthly supporter in one of the 3 Patreon tiers, you now have access a monthly document that contains an overview of the non-linear path I traversed throughout the current moon cycle, plus the supporting text and free downloads!
edymade Heart Series: a present day throwback
New Tree Heart
Electric Adventures in Echocardiogram-land
I had the privilege of receiving an echocardiogram during the first weeks of June. To top it all off, it was on the tail end of a two week period where I wore a heart monitor. In July, I will complete the exploration of my own anatomical heart with a stress test at a UCLA cardiology office. Then, I will have a medically informed story about my heart.
As the technician captured image and audio of my beating heart, I gazed at the screen while she traced the chambers with what looked like a Photoshop lasso tool. It immediately took me back in time to when I first started giving myself permission to make abstract work; to lean into the fabulous sensations I felt when using saturated colors and filling intuitively made patterns with those exciting hues. The technician sometimes paused and froze the screen on a chamber in constriction or release—then the screen would light up in electric pulsing sparkles of red and blue fireworks. That’s when I began to remember and visualize all these little heart studies I made around 2009 or 2010.
I made them as an exploration into the unknown joy that awaits unconditional love. I am curious what will be found by the cardiologist and how it will corroborate the healthy glow I feel exists in me. Or will it surprise me by exposing a cardiac arrhythmia—that nagging fear that may have manifested in dizziness last month and given a clue to some slight malfunction? Either way, I now find an opportunity to infuse awe, wonder, magic, and gratitude into my soma. As I go through these medical procedures and tests, I am increasing the joy sparkling components of my life.
I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to access this type of health care. And I’m working on rooting out any bubbling up of unworthiness that might try to accompany that privilege. And by root it out, I mean turn toward it and embrace it—be with it, and let it go—the way of unconditional love. Each time my heart beats, it hugs itself close. There are huge sparks and fireworks. It’s dynamic and powerful, like the joy that exists when I create from gently and patiently letting go of that which doesn’t serve me.
edymade Heart Space Journal
Cheers to accessing digital downloads for journals, greeting cards, and more!
The edymade Heart Series gallery is now posted on my website. There is also a special gallery of non-watermarked images for Magic Sparkle Patreon members to access. These high resolution images will be perfect to download and print journal covers, greeting cards, and more. They will also be available for purchase as ala carte digital downloads on Etsy—edymade Patreon members receive Etsy discounts. Sign up for my monthly newsletter to get updates about these exciting offers!
Aerial Hoop Metamorphosis
I'm creating a counteractive process where I redevelop my inner dialogue to reflect wisdom I have gained in my spiritual journey.
As my body is changing during this shift in my life cycle, I am kindly moving myself in space in ways that no one expects, including me. This is the outward manifestation of my inner revolution. I slowly build strength from my core at a pace that suits me. No one else decides. I surround myself with support. Aerial training, including both hoop and silks, is a crucial part of this support system that I build for myself.
My husband, Danny (thank you!) took this video footage of me at my last aerial session. I grabbed a screenshot of it and began changing my inner script as I made a digital collage. I used the healing art image that surfaced during the wallpaper process from May's full moon newsletter. I feel into the radiant forms as I remember my body's strength and learn to appreciate it as my own. I practice worshipping my body and feeling gratitude.
I've read about chakras and heard them described as many-petaled lotus flowers. I love the symbol of the lotus. I chose the rose in place of a lotus because it is more reflective of my personal journey through Christianity towards Spirituality informed by many different religious and philosophical perspectives. I connect the rose imagery to the area of the second chakra on my body to symbolize the re-evaluation of what I was taught about my female anatomy throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
Sensuality is a human right. I challenge my upbringing when I apply the rose spiral to my body in this digital collage. The powers that be may demonstrate that they own rights to my body through political policy. But they do not own the story that I feed myself about my inherent human rights.
When I create this new image and this newer narrative, I focus on certain moments in time--the ones where I realize how strong I am. For the past few months and especially the last week or so, I have felt weak for a myriad of reasons--my overall health has suffered and I have not been in acceptance of my body's changes. I take responsibility for learning the wrong script from what society projects about my aging female body. I feed myself a new narrative.
I learn through training in this empowering sport that I am strong. I make art about it. This is the practice. This is the chakra healing journey. I am grateful that I have the privilege of seeing a way forward that is about self love. I forge my way as an educator with this more accurate narrative pulsing in my psyche.
Answering the Call from Trees
I find a deep sense of awe that the tree roots into that hilltop location seeming to sing praises to the Rancho's most valuable resource of all, the fresh-water spring right below the hill. The trunk sprawls and gestures like an undulating landmark, mapping the presence of the spring as a sacred site. Each time I look at the tree with my daughter emerging from its roots, I feel transported to the realm of the Magical Child Archetype. I feel the same captivation whenever I interact with my own creative flow
Tree Portals
Playing with tree portals -->answering the call
A walk with dear friends at the Rancho Los Alamitos in Long Beach was the original inspiration for the WIP piece I am temporarily titling "Magical Child." It all started with a photograph I took of my then 4 year old daughter at the base of a magnanimous tree near an adobe home the Nieto family built (sometime between 1800-1834) on a hilltop near the location of Povuu'nga land. I find a deep sense of awe that the tree roots into that hilltop location seeming to sing praises to the Rancho's most valuable resource of all, the fresh-water spring right below the hill. The trunk sprawls and gestures like an undulating landmark, mapping the presence of the spring as a sacred site. Each time I look at the tree with my daughter emerging from its roots, I feel transported to the realm of the Magical Child Archetype. I feel the same captivation whenever I interact with my own creative flow and remember my trip to Glastonbury with my visit to the fresh-water springs near the base of the Glastonbury Tor. Trees and other plant life have a way of communicating the presence of such sacred waters. In fact, the Vesica Pisces symbol in the well-head at the Chalice Well Gardens keeps flashing in my mind's eye as I venture into these Rancho tree portals that allow me to feel a reverent connection to Povuu’nga and Tongva sacred sites.
Fast-forward to New Years Day of 2022, when I took a different walk through Descanso Gardens with dear friends who treated us to an evening to celebrate our daughters' birthdays. Descanso is now featuring their annual "Enchanted Forest of Light" exhibition (on display until January 9th,) which is an amazing treat to behold. It is an interactive, nighttime experience, featuring a one-mile walk through unique lighting experiences created by installation artists amongst the most beloved parts of the gardens. As you can see, I was particularly awe-struck by the moon-like light with reflective waters and dancing trees lit by deep ultramarines. I plan to go back to visit and learn more about the history of the place, in particular, to visit the exhibit titled Full Circle: A Return to the Land, on display at the Sturt Haaga Gallery from Nov 13, 2021 to March 13, 2022. I look forward to learning more about the history of Toypurina, a Tongva woman who took a leadership role in the 1785 revolt against the San Gabriel Mission. I feel that the art I am currently creating is particularly dependent upon the interweaving of history, art, and ethnobotany.
Following this hunch, I have already discovered that deep listening to my creative voice can be hugely enlightening in revealing my divine purpose on this planet. I can derive and communicate a mantra of hope from largely unheard perspectives, which fosters a deeper understanding of how I can relate to the land and how I can accept my role and therefore sing my purpose as I traverse this Enchantress-inspired path of evolution from pre-European contact to the present time.
To see more behind-the-scenes inspiration from me, consider becoming a Patron. The vision for my Patreon community is coming to life in sparks and scribbles as I document my creative process. I am devoted to the inner process of exploring and the outer process of expressing my creative energy. I am offering a fertile field of curiosity and inventiveness in which patrons can feel my sense of creative flow and be inspired to ignite their own. On the Patreon platform, I share process-oriented practices I am developing on a variety of themes, including painting, drawing, mixed media, meditative processes, and cultivating a creative flow in my everyday life. Here is a glimpse of what patrons are privy to:
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On "Overcoming" Trauma
Detail of Waxing Crescent Transmutation print
In my last blog entry, I wrote about the wisdom available in the feeling of being devoured. This entry is a continuation of that thread as I respond to prompts from thegirlgod.com including: How do you overcome trauma with Goddess help?
"Waxing Crescent Transmutation” is part of a series of mandala prints that are a visual representation of my physical and spiritual journey, a journey that has drawn on Goddess to help me every step of the way. I start by making intuitive paintings with free application of water media. Then, I digitize the abstract watercolors and further alter shapes with software that allows me to experiment with radial symmetry, light filters, and more. After this digital composition phase, I once again return to hand painting by transferring the image to watercolor paper and painting the digitally composed piece. The entire process is extremely self-referential and meditative in nature. It is metaphorically symbolic in its cyclical arrival into a yin or Goddess consciousness/container.
Each mandala is a tangible artifact from my journey--a special art piece that invites the viewer to enjoy the therapeutic benefits of the unique expressions that I bring to this world.
My process allows me to lean into the metaphorical symbolism of the Divine Feminine or Goddess. What I mean by this is that I participate in a painting ritual that aligns itself with the allowing and receiving of the cast out underbelly of our human nature. That which has been cast as “weak” is actually wholeness--it is the unknown and the wild aspects of the human illusion we call life. Goddess guides me to release the patriarchal lens that informs the definition of “overcome” and this place of release is where I am finding myself as I ask for help from Goddess. Goddess supports trauma resolution by helping me remember that my body holds wisdom rather than blame, shame, and guilt as I have been taught by our patriarchal culture. With symbolic mark making that arrives with intuition and within this cyclical process, I reference and acknowledge the womb-like container that is a body inside an energetic field. I am grounded in my personal experience and remind myself that I can choose to sink into the body’s wisdom as it shakes, pulsates, undulates, and ultimately guides me to allow my breath and movements to exist and be revered. I look for opportunities to allow my body’s sensations to give me crucial information on how to support and care for myself, which naturally leads to a presence that becomes universal love. Patriarchy perpetuates trauma in the way that it also has the potential to bring me back to Goddess and thus, Oneness. When patriarchy reinforces my separation from the body, Goddess continually offers me a container. Patriarchy seems to destroy and deny that container, but like a series of nesting dolls, it only finds that it is contained by (or contains) something larger (or smaller) than itself once again. My adherence to Goddess as guide helps me receive and expand within my container. Goddess teaches authentically while patriarchy deludes intentionally. My human mission and purpose is to remember the true teacher and wake up from the delusion. I can author a way of being that is aligned with Goddess as healer in the spaces where I have assumed false dominance--dissolve that delusion--listen and receive the support that is already there instead of striving to individually contrive a system built on false narratives. In this way, I find wisdom in the feeling of being devoured. This is a powerful tool in healing or “overcoming” trauma.
Wisdom in Feeling Devoured
I’ve been working on this shark painting for over a decade now. I crack it’s code at snail’s pace, and every time I think I understand what it’s teaching me, I fall off the painting wagon and spiral into another level of confusion. A halt in the painting process ensues. But I always come back. The image below is a Photoshop version of a future version of the original oil painting. I have intentions of going back into it as a part of my Samhaim ritual for 2021. As usual, my piqued interest in revisiting the painting has coincided with a request by my employer to set up three goals for myself for this academic year. And, as usual, I am diving deeper than I can express in my annual Goal Meeting. Here’s an attempt within a blog entry.
"The ability to lie, to oneself and to others, is prominent in postconquest consciousness...People indoctrinated into the post conquest mindset are even more susceptible to deceit because they're conditioned to downplay sensory, emotional, behavioral, and intuitive input in order to focus on what someone is saying." —From The Tao of Equus by Linda Kohanov
I read this over and over again. Then, I looked up "post conquest consciousness" because I was not familiar with it as a phrase, but I am sooooo familiar with it and it's powerful effect on my stress levels and my lived experiences.
I found this wonderful article by Christian de Quincy called Consciousness and Conquest. Here are some words that really got my attention:
In its search for truth, reason operates via conquistadorial dialectic: One idea, or one person’s “truth,” is confronted and overcome by an opposite idea or someone else’s “truth.” The clash or struggle between them produces the new synthesis—perceived as a creative advance in knowledge.
By contrast, liminal or preconquest consciousness, in striving for what feels right for the collective, seeks to accommodate differences. When confronted by reason, it naturally wants to please the other, and so invariably yields. Reason strives to conquer, feeling strives to please, and the result: obliteration or suppression of liminal consciousness by reason.
Even more disturbing to me was the realization that none of this implies malicious intent on the part of reason. Simply encountering an epistemology of feeling, reason will automatically overshadow it—even if its intent is honorable.
As I looked back on my own career, I found plenty of confirming instances. In my work, I have had many occasions to engage people interested in consciousness from perspectives other than philosophy or science—mysticism, shamanism, aesthetics, for example. More often than not—even if I was trying to be considerate of their different ways of knowing—these people left the encounter feeling abused or squashed by having to match accounts of their experiences against the rigorous logic of rational analysis. When a search for truth pits dialectic reason against dialogic experience the feeling component of the other’s knowledge can rarely withstand the encounter. Feeling feels invalidated. Wisdom is blocked by “truth.”
I read that and every panic attack and traumatic experience I've ever had became understood in a new way. My whole way of being is rooted in the pre conquest consciousness and is therefore, subject to being prey both in my patterned behavior as well as in our societal conditioning (which ultimately wrote my operating manual and which I am tearing out pages and currently rewriting.)
The wisdom that I sense is available to me in every moment, is also the devoured. No wonder I have spent so much time feeling the jaws clamp down on me...and then being told that I'm the crazy one. My superpower is in being prey. My peaceful rose is inside the jaws of the shark. Being prey and not judging it or slipping into shadow victim patterns can be (if I surrender and let it) my source of wisdom. It is what this shark painting is leading me to uncover....
Leaning into the mouth of a shark and finding a sensual rose as my Soul’s sensation is akin to choosing the belonging to myself and the wisdom I contain as truth over the pre-scripted belief that I am rotten to the core or on the wrong track. I just have to be willing to sit with the Shadow Self and practice that over and over until my wholeness is accepted. By Me. It is the opposite of seeking external validation.
So my intention is to practice wholeness by sitting with what I am always trying to flee—the projections of others, my deep-rooted belief that I am unworthy, that I am eternally wrong, that I don’t belong. It’s following the wisdom that Toko-pa Turner sets forth in her book, Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home. She says,
“There’s a big difference between staying positive and being generative. The first disregards hard truths, the second is the fruit of having composted them.” —Toko-pa Turner
This Shark Painting is my artifact—the one I produce during my composting. It’s the hardest truth.
Remembering Jack Beal and Sondra Freckelton
Edy with Jack Beal’s painting, Sondra and Table, No. 1 at The Johnson Collection in Spartanburg, SC.
Recently, I had the opportunity to visit my hometown of Spartanburg, SC. I was strolling through one of the downtown buildings that houses part of the expansive Johnson Collection and, to my surprise, I was greeted by my beloved professors, Jack and Sondra. September 5, 2013 must have marked the day of Jack’s passing, because I received a FB notification of a tribute I wrote and would love to share here on this day as I celebrate both of them:
Starting in 1994, I took figure drawing from Jack and watercolor from Sondra at Hollins College (now Hollins University) where they were often visiting artists. They also co-led many workshops and gallery talks about color and composition throughout their residencies at Hollins.
I remember how they drove to campus in a slightly battered red van with a bumper sticker that read, “Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Beauty.” I was 19 years old at the time and had never seen that sticker before. I wasn’t yet familiar with the concept of having intrinsic morality or with the notion of being kind simply because it adds beauty to the world and enriches our experience. It was not long after I met them that Jack professed they were not members of any denomination—that he and Sondra were humanists. The more he talked, the more he made sense to me. As we got to know each other, I realized that their kindness was authentic and that he and Sondra practiced what they preached.
Jack strove to make the world around him more beautiful, both with his art and with his actions. His big personality swirled around and cradled his students. He lent us his confidence while leading us down pathways into paintings, navigated us through Old Master works while shedding light on the techniques they employed. He cared deeply about creating, recognizing, and replicating beauty. Jack was always completely transparent about the means and methods available to becoming a better artist and, inevitably, a better person.
Ironically, some of the best advice Jack gave me was to “lie, cheat, and steal!” He would explain later that an artist needs to “lie” by creating a believable illusion with his or her art, “cheat” by copying what the old masters did, and “steal” by using other artists’ successful ideas. I also learned the word, “gangbusters” from Jack. From what I can infer about the definition of “gangbusters,” it’s a great word to describe him and his teaching style.
Most importantly, Jack cared for people by sharing himself; his stories, his experiences, his beliefs, his opinions, and his enthusiasm for life. He fashioned his life like his paintings—rich with color and dynamic compositions. For me, it was life changing to have a teacher that was so open and available. He and Sondra invited me to their home and shared the beauty of their farm with me. He identified with my love of horses, cats, and dogs, sharing stories about his animals. He would often find photographs or paintings of horses and share them with me. I have a collection of pictures that Jack sent me of Scoo2er, his Airedale terrier, supposedly saying, “Hi” to my horse, Reggae (as Jack wrote in his card.) He mailed me letters, kept up with me via email and later, Facebook. Jack made me feel worthy. It’s that self-worth that led me to pursue a career in painting and teaching. Because of Jack’s encouragement and guidance, I have the confidence to help others and keep his spirit alive.
Sondra passed about 6 years later in 2019. On this fall day, I have been making process videos and all the while replaying her teachings in my mind as I work with color transparencies, layers, and still life compositions. I am so grateful for their presence in my life.
The Jewels Are Arriving
Yesterday, a package of plastic jewels arrived in the mail—it wasn’t a surprise, I ordered them after my daughter and I played with some at our lovely neighbor’s house in her pool. I may have to order at least 10 more packages because they bring us so much joy. And the phrase that comes to mind as I look at them in this jar is,
“I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you”…repeat times infinity.
I am whispering these words again and again on completion of my last breathwork practice. They are the words from the Ho’oponopono practice, another life-changing practice that I’m stitching into the tapestry of the “Chakra Healing Journey.” The inward journey I am charting is a DIY self awareness course that I’m developing just for me—that’s the beauty of it—it is very human specific. I’m rarely posting about it because, well, FEAR. Funny thing is, it just so happens, the very thing that blocks my voice is also the path of navigation and the key to growth. This particular exploration of both the subconscious and overt fears that dictate my course of action is the main highway of my particular “Chakra Healing Journey.”
I often circulate through Ho’oponopono because I’m finding that all the fears stem from a deep thread of unworthiness that is woven through the cells of my being. In particular, there is a wound of betrayal that (maybe originates with the Bible’s version of the story of Eve?) I have been telling myself that I cannot seem to shake. Though, I’m starting to acknowledge that the all the different practices; from breathwork to fear hunting to Ho’oponopono, are beginning to quake my system enough to unravel that thread—to begin to repair the cells. Yes, that’s right, the Jewels are arriving—both literally and metaphorically, as usual.
The Jewels are Arriving—please forgive my dirty artist’s thumbnail. lol
Hummingbird Invitation:
The hummingbird friend who visited me yesterday. She gave me permission to photograph her and share her invitation with you.
Okay, then, let’s skip the affirmations and find a trusty guide. Hmmmmm, how about the hummingbird? Just because she reminds me of my ability to step into my power and acknowledge the wisdom and grace within. Her sighting is my invitation to drink the Amrita of my Soul. The Sanskrit word Amṛtā is, according to the Wisdom Library published by Gabe Hiemstra, derived from Amṛta, translating to “nectar”, but in a different context can refer to “immortal” (see https://www.wisdomlib.org/definition/amrita.)
Think about the hummingbird—the only avian creature that can skillfully maneuver her body to gracefully hover and also has the agility to go forward AND backward. Her wings don’t flap up and down like other birds, they travel the course of an infinity sign—surely nature’s message that our abundance of choices are infinite. Through this ability to choose, we humans are allowed to receive our inner wisdom as part of our immense power—it is the true power here—because when we accept and receive our power, it supersedes anything that money could ever bring. Seeing a hummingbird invites me to remember that I always have the power to connect and nurture myself. I invite you to use the hummingbird too, or choose a different symbol that will help you to remember the same thing.
We are often distracted by money, capitalism, consumerism, our constant scrolling, and external chaos so that we are mostly looking outside ourselves. It’s when we start to look inside that we can untangle the knotted threads of social conditioning, mixed messages, and begin to truly step into our power. Like the hummingbird, we have the power to slow and hover, choosing to absorb life’s sweet nectar and let it seep into and nourish our light, the infinite joy of our very presence.
Soul Connections: Divine Communion
I learn from my teacher, who is my horsewoman soul applying gentle pressure on my inner equine. She gets my attention with her subtle pushes, which start gently and increase slightly until we are quite uncomfortable. The horse inside tries many approaches to get the horsewoman to cease her incessant tapping, but none of the choices made are slowing into presence or easing into breath. Instead, I pace this way and that, snort, stomp, and chomp--I resist simple solutions and gravitate toward the complexities of irritation. So, the pressure continues.
Occasionally, my inner horse remembers. She slows down and glides inside, takes a deep breath, and feels it light up her lungs. We've finally reached the moment when inner horse responds the way her horsewoman intends. The pressure is released as a means of communicating that the lesson has been learned. Gratitude abound for that moment--we are saved!
I give my horse a soft pet on the base of the neck—right above the shoulder--that loving spot of maternal connection where the mama horse nuzzles her foal. I hear encouragement within--a softly spoken “good girl.” I see the liquid blink of acknowledgement in the reflection of her side eye and we stand still, absorbing the warmth of sun permeating Earth.
I am learning from myself like a horse learns from her kind and patient trainer. When I experience gratitude for the moments of released pressure—let’s say I breathe in completely and can feel my lungs' expansion—I enjoy the sensations and I simultaneously experience the gratitude for the release and the release itself. I viscerally feel depression lifting and it becomes the visualization of a lens flare spreading like the sun. That flare is entering my body as nourishment--it is the warm center of a radiant mandala.
That flare is entering my body as nourishment--it is the warm center of a radiant mandala.
Image: Palm Springs Transmutation, 2019
I bask in the beauty of grace and gratitude. I become like a river who flows into her becoming--connection and communion are one. I am patient with mySelf to reach the depths of me. We begin again.
Trusting mySelf
“ATTENTION: THIS UNIT IS SELF-TIMED AND WILL SHUT DOWN AUTOMATICALLY AT THE END OF ITS CYCLE. IT WILL RESET ITSELF.”
During my swim yesterday, I was very focused on the concept of radical self-responsibility. And how to lean into and feel that in my body and what that looks like. And the word, TRUST in all caps keeps coming to the surface. Especially when I read the PSA on the SuitMate machine that extracts water from my bathing suit after each swim! How wise of the SuitMate to remind me!
I am the automatic unit that is self-timed and will shut down automatically at the end of my cycle. I have the ability to reset myself! We all have this ability—That’s just who we all are as human beings with bodies, minds, and souls.
Currently, through meditation, I’m learning how to lean into and feel that in my body and what that looks like. And the word, TRUST in all caps keeps coming to the surface. The word TRUST is part of my school’s, core values. The values are Trust, Respect, Responsibility, Honesty, Caring, and Diversity. We repeat these words every day in our Creed and we name them as our core values, “….because our days are priceless.”
As a school community, we repeat these core values every morning at flag. It’s kind of rushed and mumbled through--barely audible and usually not a memorable recitation. The rushing is part of the energy I feel pretty consistently. In my own life, I feel an ever-present pressure to rush. There is usually a race against time that I’m feeling. And a complete distrust in life’s organic processes.
Meditation is such a relief from this pressure and the FOMO that seems to motivate our choices. Because of this relief sensation, I’m feeling a call to bring more meditation practices to my community, my work community specifically, as a partnership to honoring the words in our core values.
When I feel that energy of “rush, RUSH, RUSH, GET IT DONE, GET IT DONE, MOVE ON TO THE NEXT THING, FIT IT IN, FIT IT IN!” and the chaos of transition, when I feel that, it zaps a lot of energy out of me. I suspect I’m not alone in this. And when I truly drop into breath and go inside, access the grounding cord that meditation has to offer, I can sink into the Trust of knowing that everything happens just as it should--it’s perfect just the way it happens. When I meditate, I’m making a choice to trust that I have everything I need inside of me. I am the automatic unit that is self-timed and will shut down automatically at the end of my cycle. I have the ability to reset myself! We all have this ability—That’s just who we all are as human beings with bodies, minds, and souls.
Our bodies have such wisdom. Our Ego likes to tell us what we are conditioned to believe; that it’s our mental body that has all the wisdom, discrediting our other forms of intelligence. However, it’s our physical, energetic, and emotional bodies that have the most powerful and potent wisdom if we listen. If I am hi-jacked by the mental body that is always pressed for time, then I am ignoring the wisdom that is inherent in my soul, which is composed of all of me--my physical, energetic, and emotional parts included. Also, I want to be clear that the mental body is totally important. Managing time is important because it is part of our collective 3D reality. However, when we lack the trust in ourselves and tell ourselves that we don’t have time to slow down and breathe, we suffer from anxiety and our cortisol levels are spiked.
I want to share that, when I Trust, when I completely trust in my ability to go inside and drop into a breath, I am telling my whole body: mental, physical, emotional, energetic--I’m telling my whole being that I trust ME. I feel such a huge shift when I can lean into that hammock of trust. This sign this morning reminded me of that.
It also reminds me of a quote from one of my mentors, Elisha Clark Halpin:
Every Breath Connects, Every Breath Completes
Our integrated bodies are like every breath.
Un-sewing Projections
EDYTHE: THE SPOILS OF WAR
My name is loaded with stories I can tell myself. Any one of them can latch onto guilt, blame, and shame. There’s another choice, though—it’s one that involves dropping judgements and dropping into breath. In the past, I’ve tried to numb or distract. Now, I’m stepping into it. This is work that I do regularly with a group of women, The Radiant Temple Sisterhood, led by Elisha Clark Halpin and Megan Moore.
My stories have a consistent thread. They all revolve around learning how to hold a dichotomy--hold two polar opposites--it’s the story of “both/and.”
I guess the common thread is,
1.)look for the shame, blame, and guilt,
2.)follow the thread there, and
3.)start tellin’.
So, when I first did the “Name exercise” during my SEED New Leader’s Training in 2013, that’s when I really started to investigate the meaning of my name. I always knew that I was named after my Grandmother, and that she began with the spelling Edith, but later changed it to the spelling, Edythe, which is my spelling, and is the Old English spelling. When I looked up the meaning of the name, I realized that it literally translates to “The spoils of war” and this just blew my mind. It signifies all the blame, shame, and guilt that seems to be sewn to my soul.
The work that I’m doing now with Wildly Radiant and The Institute for Intuitive Intelligence is getting a metaphorical seam ripper--actually, sometimes it’s more like gently unraveling some tangled fabric in places, because it requires tender and tedious unraveling in some layers, for the specific threads of shame, blame, and guilt, these threads--because these threads are often bound to a Mother Wound, which is Bethany Webster’s work…You can find all the links to these references in the “seeds” page of my website.
The spoils of war are--they are basically, pirate’s booty--my name means pirates booty! My name’s meaning is the treasure that was won by means of people killing each other and then the people that did the majority of the killing took off with the loot and I am the loot. Seriously, I don’t want to feel the gnarly stuff that accompanies the belief that my soul was won by means of bloodshed, rape, and pillage--that’s a heavy story that I’m carrying about myself.
When I look back--the truth is that I’ve been called to shed a specific thread of self-judgement. When I can do this, I don’t shed or release that just for me--that’s an ancestral baggage--releasing all the stories that are passed to me subconsciously through my ancestral lines and otherwise, that no longer serve me--(if they ever did.)
So, when I absorb the energy of projections, I’m often self-perpetuating the myth that me, as a woman, I am inherently inconsiderate. As a white person, I’m inherently inconsiderate, because of deeds of ancestors and we continue--certainly we are part of a paradigm that exists because of this story, which is--supremacy--to dominate and take (which was the story that this country was founded on)--that is heavy--and luckily, it’s meant to be that I came into the world at this time and I have the privilege of speaking of this and making choices--these choices can’t be made for the better of all if I don’t make them within myself, so it’s here that I break that thread.
I am not stitched to being the spoils of war. Am I a treasure? Yes. I am a treasure because I have choice and because I have unlimited capabilities and because we all, through alchemizing these old stories, and turning them to gold--can make a more aware and cognizant choice toward loving, toward gratitude, and we can shed the beliefs of lack and the fear that there is not enough. It’s that fear that there is not enough that leads to inequity and war and hoarding of treasure.
Part of the visuals of my website are stitching because I feel stitching, in particular, my name--in stitching this, I’m seam ripping the part that is sewing that shame of guilt or blame to my soul, and I’m releasing that--I’m untangling that from me, and I’m letting that go--it does not serve me--and it doesn’t motivate me--what motivates me is connection, and sewing my story together so that I can be the light for others to do the same. And to show my vulnerabilities and to expose my fears by looking at them and going into them. This is the work that we all must do to sew, or sow, the SEEDS.
A Story About Motherhood
BROKEN HEARTED BIT
I am lying in my OBGYN’s chair in a claustrophobic office, (this story is being set up by my Victim Archetype--just want to identify that,) and I am awake. I’m enduring my first D&C procedure after my first pregnancy. That pregnancy ended at 11 weeks. I didn’t find out it had ended until probably about 13 weeks when I went for my first trimester ultrasound. The nurse performing the ultrasound detected that there were two “poles,” so she thought that there were twins.
I feel the pull of my Victim as I tell this story, and I’m listening to what she is teaching me--she calls me to share the experience in a way that honors the lives that came through to me and also to honor feminine cycles.
The cycles were never incomplete--and they are never failed. When the full term pregnancy and live birth doesn’t happen, they are not failures, just opportunities to offer grief as praise and face the fears that help me grow as I should.
The still-life paintings in the gallery here, originally titled “Broken Hearted Bit,” and “Little App,” were both painted while I told myself the story that I was broken and that my womb space was a lemon . While I was painting “Little App,” I fed myself a tragic story that there would always be an unborn child involved in a fruitless search for a mother. I painted the foal with an outstretched neck, a nursing pose, looking for milk from an absent mother. It was all very dramatic--it had the fear of, “I’ll never ever bear a child, I will never find my mother, I will never be a mother.” Carolyn Myss identifies the Victim archetype as useful and, in this moment of telling this story, I am making use of her. It is my sincere intention in exposing these fears and walking into them, that I hold a vibrational energy that lifts that of the collective.
Myss says:
In its shadow manifestation, the Victim tells you that you are always taken advantage of and it’s never your fault. We may like to play the Victim at times because of the positive feedback we get in the form of sympathy or pity. Our goal is always to learn how to recognize these inappropriate attitudes in ourselves or others, and to act accordingly. We are not meant to be victimized in life, but to learn how to handle challenges and outrun our fears.
I agree with most of this, except for outrunning the fear. It is here and now that I enter my heart to retell the story from a place of sincere gratitude for this experience.
The true story here is that the connection to Mother has been with me all along, and whether it comes with a human baby or not, that connection is within me always. I honor the heartache and the ability to grieve, for grief offers praise for all of life.
I want to talk now about the experience that came just after the discovery of the ended pregnancy. This part of the story highlights the beauty and resilience of the human soul to exercise choice, even in the midst of what the body endures as trauma.
During the D&C following this first pregnancy (the experience that my Victim began to tell here at the start of this post,) the D&C machine broke during the procedure. Victim wants you to know that there are some pain killers administered, but honestly, the discomfort level is not something that I would ever voluntarily walk into, unless I remember that I can walk into it without the false story that initially came with the presence of the Victim…yes, I have that choice now.
Victim wants you to hear--when the machine broke, the most terrible sounds--the suction--because it’s basically a vacuum sucking out the dead fetus, and the doctor is cutting the tissue away and vacuuming it out and the sound the machine made when it malfunctioned, and they had to pause the procedure and get a new machine--
STOP. I have choice here to remember and, most importantly, to share my truth. My truth, the one in my heart, it took over. While I was waiting for the nurse and technician to bring a new machine, I entered a visualization experience where I was walking down a steep embankment to a majestic river in Northern California—in Trinity Forest. Trinity Forest is where my friend, Kat, and her family lived at the time. It is an idyllic place that was the perfect setting to imagine while my physical body was under stress. I began to channel the energy of being with Kat, holding her hand, and walking down to the river where I could breathe and be tranquil--I was able to visualize this while the machine was malfunctioning and throughout the D&C procedure. Also, in the 3D reality of that time, my dear husband held my hand and was with me. His tenderness in holding me in this moment is how I choose to envision his presence in my life.
So, the Victim shows up to expose the fears that I was on my own to endure this and that I was broken or disconnected. I am offered a choice in her presence. I can choose the truth, and the truth is, that I stepped into my power. I held myself in that moment by holding the connection to the Divine. I stepped into the love to walk through the fear. And I was not alone.
This process makes my compassion and my empathy grow--for each person, woman or man. For each person’s perceived traumas are the beautiful experiences of growth. This is the metaphor of the pine cone that releases its seeds only when the forest is burning. We are such Divine creatures of love and light. Namaste.
Entering The Kirk in My Heart
When I was writing about The Loner, it became the visualization tool for calling forth my overall intention, which is to continually rewrite my story—taking it from one of separation to one of connection. This is an updated version of a drawing I originally made around 2010, when I first started to really feel the pull of my intuition. I knew then, but did not yet believe that I could express myself from a place of pure joy through shapes and colors. Now, I am revisiting this state of joy and I ease into gratitude as I believe in interconnectedness again.
I begin to use Procreate and learning about using digital media. I went back into the drawing with a Light Pen from the app. Not only does that light me up, but it has the potential to inspire others—so I am walking back into the Kirk in my Heart with a renewed sense of myself, and believing that this act can be of service to others in their pathways to awakening.
My daily intention is to open my third eye, which is in my heart, and to pay attention to the heart opening sensation, which is my clairsentience. My sankulpa is: I am light. Thinking this thought brings me a loving feeling of gratitude. When I sense gratitude, I am often envisioning my daughter, Goldie. It’s no coincidence that I named her Goldie after the golden light that surrounds the most precious parts of me. Often this golden light goes into the realm of fluorescence and I see it emanating from all of the artwork that I’m choosing to feature. Clarity is coming to me because I am devoted to seeking it.
Soul Connections--Journey into My Heart's Amrita
The Loner
Originally titled, The Loner, when I painted this, I was telling myself two contradictory stories. The first one is the story of my ancestral lineage. In other words, the stories that my mother and many generations of women have felt during the course of their lives. It’s the story of grief and suffering—the story of “you are on your own—If you leave your old ways behind, you are on your own.” The other story that has always been there is one of connection, reverence, devotion, and love. The painting contains both and can be related to as both because now, it serves me as a method to heal from the perception of separation.
To unplug from it, I can go into the light of the painting that surrounds the horse--that surrounds her vision. She is not alone--she knows that by connecting to herself, she has the timeline of connection between all living things, all creatures.Inside of her. She knows even a stark and barren landscape that has just been burnt to the ground--she is not alone. She can reach out her hand to herself and choose to shine this connection. She is kind, both to herself and to others, by showing this way of healed perceptions. By actively disconnecting to the story of “alone”--as she puts down this weapon against herself (the weapon is in the story of disconnection that she whispers into her consciousness)--she is not alone.
I release the story of loneliness. I remember the connection of riding a horse. It’s easy to remember the connection, especially in the early morning when the weather is damp with cold and both the horse and the rider can see their breath coming up--the steam rising off the body as the hoof beats increase their pace Rising up and down with the rise and fall of the hooves and connecting through the core--my shakti connected to the animal. There’s a calm, the connection-the calm of connection.
I release the story of there’s not enough for me. I release the story that the external world doesn’t provide for me. I release the story that because I’m different, I will not be provided for. I reconnect with the story of I am loved and I am connected to an internal wellspring of love and security. In the past, I was not consciously aware of what I was doing in the moment or the stories I had been telling myself.
As a creature habitually relying on ego to define myself, it was hard to admit that I was somewhat clueless. As I continued the daily processes of the challenge, what I noticed about my creative work flow is that integrating the transparency of process became really important to me. When I show process, I am admitting and releasing the shame around not knowing in the moment of process, in the moment by moment. I am surrendering.
I’m switching gears into more of a whole person with mind and body and energy and emotion all influencing actions in the world rather than just living from a mental body or living from reaction.
When I look back at my trail, I understand and when I look forward, I trust in the wisdom of the Divine and the Divine within me, which is partly my intuition. I notice the path. And the path unfolding is one of moment by moment choice and pulling in little bits of information.
I’ve been writing down when I notice this, it’s just like french braiding hair.
And I’ve been given a lot of opportunity to experience this.
How does the Heart Series relate to the Horsescapes?
Following my heart and trusting in my innate kindness involves the same thread of courage as trusting and connecting with a horse. I believe following my intuition and when my intuition lives in the kindness of my heart, when I connect to my heart on a daily basis through heart alchemy meditations or heart coherence meditations--the horse is part of that. When I view The Loner on my bedroom wall, I remember that following my intuition, in the past, has felt lonely. In my early 20’s, when I was first navigating the waters of intuition following, the story I told myself was that I was all alone. I had been taught that I couldn’t trust that feeling. However, I knew that I could connect to it through horse imagery. It comes from my open heart when in animal care-taking and my reverence toward the horse as an animal that has been so closely tied to human existence and expansion--human grounding--therapy--all of these aspects of the horse enhance the human heart. Those two bodies of work are very related and belong together--they are braided together.
My daily intention is to continue my exploration of releasing the old story through the painting, “The Loner,” possibly changing the title to “The Connected,” and visually connecting my heart space to the heart space of the horse and know that she is connecting to my future self in a state of gratitude. So, it’s a heart coherence meditation in the past that is connecting to the past heart’s intuition and bringing it into my present heart and into my future heart. My loving thought is “I am connected.” My loving feeling is gratitude. My sankulpa is “I am light.”
I am the light effervescence of bouyancy, resilience, and of gratitude.
Mindful Making: Free Drawing
How Mindfulness can enhance your freedom to create your best work
Application
Use this tip to prepare for any drawing exercise.
Example
I use this technique when writing a word I plan to embroider. By making practice examples, I gain freedom to experiment joyfully and then choose one for my project.
Suggestions
Try this when writing a card for a friend or loved one. As you write their name on the front of a gift tag or envelope, focus on their loving essence and tap into heart coherence!
Steps
Set the stage
Assemble plenty of paper, drawing tools, and a music source with headphones.
Headphones on, cue up your favorite meditative music. Practice slow, mindful breathing.
Start to work
Begin writing your name in a script that is led by your intuition. Do what feels right, slowly and with acceptance.
If tension or the sound of your inner critic arises, take a deep, nourishing breath, relax the jaw, and write an affirmation such as, “I trust my intuition to guide me at all times.”
Mindfulness guides you
You will know you’ve tapped into your intuition when your hand feels led or pulled along rather than forced by the mental body.
You will know when to stop when you feel at ease in completion of the task.
Acknowledge your courage for opening your heart to experimentation, and for being willing to make mistakes in order to learn.
Takeaways
To remember and notice while practicing this technique
Slow down. Breathe.
Notice the breath and come back to it.
Cultivate an awareness of how I am in the moment.
Rewards
A beautiful effect of activating Theta brainwaves: I notice my softness sweetly escorts the perfectionist tendencies out of the room
To Try
Develop positive mantras to rely on and build resilience in your creative lifestyle. This one is a winner:
I am more easily in a state of openness—I am more open to being tender with myself.
Speak up!
I would love to hear the mantras you’ve discovered and found useful. Please post in the comments.
Coming in this series:
Level Up Your Listening: Beautiful beats
I’ll introduce you to accessing powerful creative energy by using some ancient techniques for boosting your brain’s peace and insight.
Practice Makes Projects: Turn your Drawing into a Stitching Guide
I’ll guide you through making your favorite name drawing into a pattern and creating your vision for the project.
Energetic Name Stitching Practice
-Step 1: Get headphones on and cue up some binaural beats. I found mine on Insight Timer. Binaural beats help me achieve a more mindful state while I’m working because they activate Theta brainwaves.
-Step 2: practice writing your name in a script that is led by your intuition. You can do what feels right, slowly and with acceptance. If you feel any tension creep in or any inner critic voices, take a deep, nourishing breath, relax the jaw, and write an affirmation like, “I trust my intuition to guide me at all times.” You will know you’ve tapped into your intuition when your hand feels led or pulled along rather than forced by the mental body.
-Step 3: choose one or two of your hand written names that and trace over them with a dotted line. Imagine you are sewing your name as you write it, going over your lines with stitch-like shapes. I use rounded rectangles that travel over the line and make it become a dotted line. It helps to have some embroidery experience to imagine this, but it’s not imperative.
Things to remind yourself and/or notice while practicing this technique:
-slow down, breathe—In my experience of embroidering letters, I know that the curves and swells of letters requires smaller stitches, so I vary the sizes of the stitch shapes as I travel along my letter shapes.
-cultivate an awareness of how I am in the moment—notice the breath and come back to it—
-The most beautiful thing about when the Theta brainwaves are activated is that I notice my softness sweetly escorts the perfectionist tendencies out of the room.
-I develop positive mantras to rely on and build resilience in my creative lifestyle. This one is a winner:
I am more easily in a state of openness—I am more open to being tender with myself.
“I am more easily in a state of openness—I am more open to being tender with myself. ”